


to get across you know we'll have to raise the sand

by pleasanthell



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25122211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasanthell/pseuds/pleasanthell
Summary: Contains spoilers for The Last of Us Part 2Revenge was never the right word for it. Calling it obligation makes it feel like something that is put upon you. What drove you to leave wasn't an outside pressure, at least not anymore. It was a growling monster inside of you, driving you to focus on one thing and one thing only. But that one thing is gone now, a thing that left in a fleeting moment of clarity.Now you have nothing. You were always sure when you didn't know where to go, your feet would bring you home. But your home is gone. The building is there, but it's not a home without the people in it. What the fuck are you supposed to do now?
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 183





	1. Chapter 1

You’ve always had a purpose. You’ve always had a drive. Now you have nothing.

Joel is gone and you’re done looking for revenge. You didn’t want revenge. You thought you were supposed to get revenge and the obligation nearly killed you. Maybe part of you wanted Abby to kill you. You can admit that to yourself now. You might have wanted the valiant excuse to throw yourself into harm’s way so that you could put yourself where you belong. You should have died in that hospital. But you didn’t and now you have to live with that.

When you got back, you hunted what you needed and crafted what was necessary for a few months in the cave. It was starting to get a nice homey feel to it. But it wasn’t a place to stay forever. If you wanted to be rational about it, the Farm was a great place to live. You could grow food and raise animals.

But you couldn’t. It wasn’t your house. It was yours and Dina’s house. You don’t deserve it anymore. You’re not sure you ever did.

Restlessness won out in the end and you left your small cave camp near the Farm. You need to move more. At the very least, you need a change of scenery.

Unfortunately, that’s how you find yourself standing on a ridge next to an abandoned produce stand that is swarming with infected. You can see the remnants of someone’s belongings strewn on the cracked and snow dusted pavement leading from the ridge you’re on to the door of the stand. A chilly wind blows across your face, heralding the dark clouds that are making their way toward you, bringing with them snow.

You hear a clicker somewhere in the cloud of runners. It takes a second to pick it out. You dispatch it first with two arrow shots to the head. When the runners start looking around you forgo all pretense of stealth and blast them with the remaining shotgun shells you have. 

You’re retrieving your arrows and slinging the blood off of them when the door to the stand opens. A man with a streak of road rash across his face peers out. “Hello?”

“It’s safe,” you tell him because you know that’s what he was really asking.

He looks both ways anyway before stepping out. From the looks of it, he took a solid tumble at a high speed into some rocks or pavement. Then two women and a teenager. They’re all wearing traveling clothes and they retrieve large rucksacks from the stand.

“Damn,” one of the women pats her pants pockets. “I dropped the map.”

“Where you heading?” you ask casually, turning over the infecteds with your foot to see if the runners had any pockets left that might be holding something useful.

“Jackson.”

Somehow you’re not surprised. You guess it’s because it’s the only viable civilization in the area and the people in front of you are definitely traders. You just nod and don’t say anything. You should be on your way. 

You’ve taken two steps away when one of them asks. “Do you know where Jackson is?”

You nod again. You hitch your chin to the East. “Couple miles that way. Past the village in the valley.” 

“Can you take us?” the grown man asks. “We can trade with you. And if we don’t have what you want, we can find it.” 

A dog with a pathetic limp makes its way out of the stand and you know that these people are sitting ducks. You adjust the rifle on your shoulder and nod. You can’t let them go to Jackson alone. If the coming blizzard doesn’t get them, the infected surely will.

For you, it’s a few hours hike, but with the injured party, you’ll be lucky to get there before nightfall. Luckily, the dog is small enough to carry across your shoulders for the last part of the journey. She’s probably not full grown yet.

You smile your first smile in a long time when she licks your ear. It tickles and it’s a sweet gesture. When you smile and shrink away, she keeps licking your ear and your neck. “Hey, cut it out.” It almost comes out as a laugh.

“We traded for her. To get a guard dog,” the least injured trader, the teenager, is walking next to you. “She’s too sweet though. Wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

You’re starting to get that feeling. You scratch her under the chin and she settles down, laying her head on your shoulder.

They’re polite enough to not ask questions that are too probing for a while. Once you tell them your name, they talk amongst themselves for a few hours before one of them finally directs some of the chatter your way. “Are you from Jackson?” another trader asks. 

“I’m from Boston,” you tell her. It’s been a while since you’ve said that. Most people don’t ask that anymore. Of course you haven’t interacted with anyone in a while and the people you interacted with before that were trying to kill you. But before that in Jackson, you were there for years and once you told a few people when you arrived, no one asked again. Boston feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe you are from Jackson now. You shrug. “I lived in Jackson for a while though.”

“Why’d you leave?” she asks.

You take a moment to answer. It’s something you’ve managed to not think about for a long while. “I… had to see someone in Santa Barbara.”

“Ugh, Santa Barbara,” one of the traders groans. “You ever talked to the militia there? What are they? The Snakes?”

“The Rattlers,” another one correct him. 

“Yeah, the Rattlers. Complete assholes,” he looks at you.

You nod. You can’t disagree with that.

He scratches the shaggy hair on the back of his head. “Nearly killed us too. They-”

You hold your hand up as he’s talking because you heard something else behind him. A few rocks that tumbled down the path a few hundred feet behind you. Some moaning. Some more moaning. A lot of groans. Some clicks. 

“We have to go,” you say, knowing you can’t protect them all from the hoard that is behind you and from the sounds of it, moving quickly toward you.

You glance at hurt legs and wounded traders. It’s going to be so close. You hand off the dog to the teenager. You pull your bow off of your shoulder and look toward Jackson. You can see the lights of it in the distance. 

The traders all start moving as fast as they can, but they’re still painfully slow. It’s a light jog for you at the rear, watching them struggle. One of them is leaving uneven splotches of blood in the snow. 

“Should we stop?” one of them asks, panting. “Try to hide?”

“No,” you tell her. “There’s nowhere safe on this side of Jackson.” Your eyes dart around, trying to remember if there was a patrol that came this way. There has to be. 

Before you can think of how to signal them, a runner pops out of the trees behind you. You stop moving to steady your shot enough to get it in the face. It falls back with a gurgle and a pool of blood in the snow. 

You catch up with the traders again and direct them through the snow dusted forest for a few minutes before you see another infected catch up. You know so many more are coming and you fight all your instincts to just run away. 

One of the traders falls to his knees after tripping over his bum leg. You help him up, and see in the clearing behind you several more infected are searching for you. They haven’t seen you yet, but it’s only a matter of seconds. You reach for an arrow to take out the one closest to you, but you’re all out. 

“Shit,” you whisper to yourself. You put the trader’s arm around your shoulders and pull out your handgun. There’s no more being stealth. 

You’re only a few more trees away when you’re spotted. The runner screams and the rest of them turn to look at you. If you don’t move, you’re fucked. 

You see the traders in front of you scrambling up a ledge to get away. Getting them up there, will only slow the infected down, but maybe it’s enough distance between you and the hoard to get away. 

You shoot at a clicker, knowing they’re the most dangerous. Two more shots and a clicker falls, tripping the two runners behind it. But more are coming. You get the wounded trader to the ledge where his friends are reaching down to pull him up. 

While he’s still dangling you shoot a few more runners, not always hitting where you want, but at least slowing down the ones in the front. 

“C’mon!” one of them yells at you.

You turn to them and find two hands reaching for you. You jump off the ground and are caught by two of the traders, pulling you up by your left arm. The heel of your shoe brushes an infected hand and you scramble up. Instinctively, you kick your foot, connecting with a face. 

“Keep moving,” you tell them urgently. The infected will climb over each other to get to you and some of them will make it. 

Your shoes are splashing in a creek when you turn around to see how many of them made it up. It’s way more than you like. You shoot your last remaining bullets at the ones that are closest, but the slide sticks back and you tuck it away. 

Your last chance is the shotgun on your other shoulder. You can’t use it until more than one of them are close. You have to take out more than one at a time because you haven’t found shells in a while and you’re running low. 

The trail of blood left by the trader in the snow is turning from small pools in the snow to a long streak. They’re not going to make it. 

The infecteds are getting close. You blast the head off of a clicker and clip a runner enough to make it fall. The front of the hoard is only a few yards behind you. 

You pump off two more shots, taking out several infected in front, but there have to be another dozen following you. 

You point your shotgun at a runner on it’s way toward you when it’s head disappears and its body crumples to the ground. 

“Ellie!” you hear a familiar voice yell. “Let’s go!”

Upstream you see two of the Jackson patrol on horseback. One of them has stopped to shoot, but the other is galloping toward you. Avery takes out another infected, causing a few of them to stumble and fall. Nate is slowing down to pick up the trader with the injured leg. 

“You know how to ride a horse?” Nate asks the trader.

The trader nods to him. Nate slides off of the horse and lets another trader get on the back of it. He pulls a magazine out of his pocket and tosses it to you. You pocket it and use your last few shotgun shells to make some space to run. 

Avery picks up the next injured trader leaving you, Nate, and one of the traders on the ground. 

“Go!” you call to her. “Take them to Jackson. We’ll catch up.”

She gives you one solid nod and takes off galloping. The other horse follows and soon they fade off through the forest. You, Nate, and the trader are barreling through the snow, putting some good distance between you and the hoard. You jam the magazine Nate threw to you into your handgun and cripple a few infecteds that are scrambling after you. 

They’re so fucking close and you can tell the trader is losing steam. 

The lights of Jackson shine bright up ahead when you break through the treeline. You see a few people with guns standing outside of the gates. You hear gunshots coming from the far side of Jackson. 

Avery has dropped off the traders at the gate and is making a b-line for you. You stop to start shooting the infecteds, knowing that you inadvertently led them back to Jackson. You have to take out as many as you can. You shoot one in the head, a few in the chest. Nate and the trader are halfway to the gate when you start running. 

One of the runners breaks free and sprints at you. You’re not fast enough for it and your slide sticks back again. You drop the gun, not having time to put it back and draw your machete. 

It swipes at you, making you dodge out of the way. You jam the machete into it, cracking a few infected ribs. The machete takes a few yanks to get out and you have been standing still long enough that a clicker a few feet away from you. 

“Ellie!” Avery yells.

You look toward her just before a shotgun hits you in the face. You manage to right it just in time to blast the clicker in the head at point blank. Avery whips her horse around and you grab her hand, scrambling onto the back of the horse. She speeds through the gate as it’s closing and you hear the hoard start beating at the closed gate. 

You hand the shotgun back to Avery and look at someone else you recognize, an older guard that used to hang out with Tommy. “What’s going on over there?” you jerk your head toward the other side of town where more gunshots are going off.

“More hoards,” he said. “They’re trying to beat down the fence near the greenhouse.” 

Nate hands you a rifle with a scope on it and starts up the ladder to the catwalk where a few other people are standing, shooting downward at the hoard that chased you. You follow him and pick a few off until it seems manageable for the guards that are still shooting. 

The shooting across Jackson is worrying you so you tell Nate you’re going to check it out and climb down the ladder. You pass a few people you know who seem surprised to see you, but you don’t stop running toward the sounds of gunshots. You drop your backpack in front of stables so you can run faster with the rifle in hand. 

When you arrive, you find what looks to be a makeshift fence in place of the sturdy log fence that is usually there. The sheets of wood and flimsy planks are starting to bow inward. There are several guards with guns shooting down next to the fence, but they can’t seem to shoot fast enough. You see arms start to slam their way through the slats in the fence. You use the butt of your rifle to slam down on the arms while other people scramble to patch it up as best they can. You see more arms coming through the fence and know it’s not going to work. They’re too fast, too hungry.

You think quickly, trying to remember the fastest way out on this side of Jackson. It’s a small gate that rarely opens, but there’s always a guard posted. You run to him as he shifts his weight, wanting to join the fray, but unable to leave his post.

“Let me out,” you tell him. 

He seems hesitant, but a second later recognizes you. He opens the gate for you and you run out of the safety of Jackson. You hear the gate close behind you, but you keep running toward the hoard that is about to break down the fence. 

You fire unsteady shots into the mass of infecteds climbing over each other to get inside. “Hey!” you yell. “Fuckers!”

At least half of them look right at you and start moving. You shoot and yell until the rest of them follow. Then, when you’re out of ammo, you drop the rifle and run. 

It’s an all out sprint toward the dam. The runners are close behind you, but you manage to careen around the guardrail over the thundering sound of falling water, jump the chain link fence that is set up to protect the entrances to the engine rooms, and take off toward the walkway closest to the falling water. 

“Oh fuck,” you know what your body has decided to do before your brain catches up. You wait until the runners flatten the fence and are speeding toward you. Then you grab onto the railing and vault over. 

You only have a second to catch onto the safety line before being pulled underwater. It cuts into your hands as the current is trying to pull you through the dam. You see at least a dozen infecteds tumble over after you, not cognizant enough to grab the line. You duck under the rushing water for a second to pull yourself to the other side of the safety line, well out of the infecteds’ range. The water is so cold it makes your chest hurt and your skin burn.

You yell at a clicker that didn’t follow over as you throw your arms over the safety line to save your hands from getting cut by the braided metal and it finally goes over the railing head over feet. You watch it get sucked into the current and disappear over the falls.

You stay in the water for a moment, hanging on to the metal line that is starting to cut into your armpits. The sun looks kind of pretty starting to set over the dam. But the water is frigid and you’re starting to shiver.

It’s a long, exhausting struggle to pull yourself toward the shore. A few times it feels like the current is going to suck your shoes off, but you make it into the muck of the shore before you lose them. 

“You okay?” Nate asks. 

You assume your plan worked because he’s standing on the shore, not looking around for danger. “Yeah.” You are immediately freezing when you leave the water. 

Nate takes off his coat and you wave it off. “I’ll be fine.” 

You take your coat off and wring it out as you walk back to Jackson. 

“Ballsy move jumping into the dam,” he mentions. He knocks on the gate and calls to whoever is on the other side that it’s him.

You nod. It was ballsy and stupid. But it was do that or the infected got into Jackson. As far as you’re concerned Jackson County is the last safe place on earth and the people inside deserve that. 

You’re still dripping when you step back into Jackson, this time more slowly than before. It finally hits you like a bag of bricks that you’re back in Jackson. 

Inside the gate, you see people you haven’t seen in what feels like decades. You don’t want to stop and talk because you know what they’d ask you and you don’t want to talk about it. You start moving toward the fence to help fix it when a hand lands on your shoulder. 

“You need to change.” It’s a calm and gentle, but firm voice. You turn around and see Maria looking at you. 

You start to tell her you’re fine when a shiver wracks your entire body. The adrenaline has worn off and you can feel the water in your clothes start to ice over. “I have to get my-”

“You can change at my place,” she tells you. “Downstairs bedroom is open.”

You nod to her. It is almost physically painful to meet her eyes so you look at the ground as you start to move away. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she tells you quietly before you’re out of earshot.

You pause and turn your head to her. She looks genuinely relieved. You can only lick your lips and nod before making your way to where you dropped your backpack.

Your backpack is propped up in a nicer position than you threw it down in and you realize it’s because someone picked it up for you. 

You see her boots first, then her jeans. You could pick her out of a half formed crowd by the way she stands. You know who it is, but you slowly dredge your eyes up to meet hers. The second you see her face, your stomach drops. She has tears in her eyes. Her tears make your eyes start to water. 

She stops in front of you, hesitant. Then she puts her arms around your shoulders and holds you tight. You can feel her warmth through your soaking clothes. You rest your hands on the small of her back before wrapping them around her waist. 

It has been so long since someone held you in a way that was tender and not malicious. Before today, Dina was actually the last human to touch you in a way that wasn’t attempting to kill you.

“I thought you were dead,” she whispers, her voice shaking.

You inhale slowly, the cold crystalizing your lungs. “I’m sorry.” That is probably the only thing you’ll be able to tell her for the rest of your life. You need her to know it. You are sorry. You fucked up. You know that. You regret it every day. 

She takes a step back and sniffles, wiping her cheeks. You look over her face and see she’s guarded with you. It’s never been like that. Even before you were together, there was never a filter on her emotions. It fucking hurts. She puts her arms around herself, the front of her clothes now damp. 

You tap your hand on your leg and see her eyes move to your hand. Her eyes linger on your wrist and you look down at the bracelet she gave you. Turned out the bracelet wasn’t good luck, but you always wear it to remind you of Dina. 

“How’s, uh,” you stumble across the words. It feels like it's something you’re not allowed to ask anymore. 

“He’s great,” she gives you a sad smile. “He’s walking now. It’s fucking exhausting.”

You smile at the thought of JJ zooming down the street. Then your smile fades. He’s not yours to dote over anymore. You gave that up for… nothing. You take a deep breath. You make a fist and nod to Dina. “Are you okay?”

She nods. “I’m fine.”

It's short and way less than you’ve ever gotten from her. You take that as a sign she’s done talking to you so you vaguely gesture to the wet spot on her shirt. “Sorry about your shirt.” You grab your backpack and sling it over your shoulder. 

She catches your arm before you walk away. You feel her fingers hold lightly to your bicep. “Did you get what you needed?”

You look at the ground and bite your lip. You think about it for a long moment. Did you do what you went to Santa Barbara to do? No. Did you exact vengeance on the well muscled WLF? Sort of. But did you get what you needed?

“Yeah,” you nod slowly. You meet her eyes for a moment and don’t find judgement of any kind. “I think so.”

She lets go of your arm. “Good.” She takes a step away from you and holds your eyes for one last moment, “Welcome back.”

Then she walks away, leaving you freezing and dripping on the streets of Jackson. 


	2. Chapter 2

Maria’s house is warm from the wooden stove in the living room. You cannot wait to get out of your clothes. You haven’t stopped shivering since you got onto Maria’s street. 

The first floor bedroom is strangely empty. There’s no movement in the house. You know Maria isn’t there, but you thought maybe Tommy might be. Not that you’re too keen on seeing him. If he asks you directly what happened, you’re not going to lie to him. You don’t expect him to understand either.

Since no one seems to be home, you change in the living room in front of the stove that is still warm and put your dropping clothes in the bathroom.

Your shoes are wet too so you have to wear boots for the time being. You stoke the fire a bit in the wooden stove and then sit on the floor in front of it, watching the embers swirl around in the updraft.

You don’t know what you’re going to do now. You’re in Jackson. Dina is okay. JJ is okay. Jackson is secure for now. Those are the questions you’ve had for a while. Now they’re answered.

Everything in front of you is a big blank space. 

Before that overwhelming darkness sucks you under, the front door opens. Maria sees you sitting on the floor and freshly changed. She kicks the dirt and snow off of her boots before stepping inside. “Do you want to go to dinner or do you want to eat here?”

You haven’t actually thought about food. You see that it is now dark outside. You’re not sure how long you were staring into the stove, but you’re warm now. “I…” You are hungry. You just don’t know if you can face everyone. Dina especially. She doesn’t seem to hate you, but you don’t know how long you can stand to be around her when she doesn’t want to be near you.

Maria nods. “I think I have enough here for dinner.” She walks into the kitchen and you follow her. You watch her get things down from cupboards. You know Maria enough to know she’ll speak first and she does. “How was California?”

You put your hands on the counter. “I found her.” 

“And?” Maria asks.

You look at the scratched counter and shake your head. 

She stops what she’s doing and looks at you. “Did she get away?”

“I let her go,” you confess for the first time to anyone.

Maria looks at you quizzically, tilting her head. She’s confused. Then as if merely looking at you, she figures it out, she goes back to what she was doing. “So I talked to those traders. How long were you going to lurk outside town?”

You shrug. “I dunno. I was just…” You shrug again. You really don’t know what you were doing or where you wanted to go or be. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Maria puts a plate of bread, cheese, and some jerky in front of you. “You’re here now.”

“Where’s Tommy?” It’s out of anxiety that you ask. You feel like you owe him an explanation, but you don’t want to see him. 

“We’re, uh, we’re taking a little space again,” she tells you. “He moved back in for a bit, but he hasn’t been… pleasant to be around since you left.” She taps her fingers on the counter. “I tried to be understanding, but he wouldn’t move past not being able to go with you. Probably doesn’t help that the Head of Patrol won’t let him go out either.” 

As far as you remember Jesse was basically in charge of patrol pairings and patterns. It makes sense there would be a new one. Doesn’t really matter though. Tommy is in no physical shape to be leaving Jackson anyway.

“You could definitely report for patrol in the morning,” Maria adds, picking up a piece of jerky and tossing it into her mouth. “God knows we need the people.”

You nod. It doesn’t seem like a terrible idea. It will give you something to do other than stare into the fire. “How’s… everything?”

“We think the infecteds have started herding,” Maria gestures to the outside in the direction of the wall that nearly came down. “So they’re running together. That wall they almost took down is temporary after someone tried to move an old car out of the street and lost control. It rolled downhill and put a hole in that one. But we had the bad luck to get attacked while we were waiting for the logs to replace it.” She looks at your face. “And the good luck that you were here.”

You blush a little and look down at your food. 

You both finish eating together and you find yourself exhausted. She offers you her bed, but you take the couch, wanting to stay close to the stove after being cold for so long. 


	3. Chapter 3

In the morning you show your face at the bar long enough to grab a breakfast burrito. Seth looks a lot older and when he sees you he pales. That’s the kind of reaction you were looking for from him. You hope that he has zero interaction with JJ ever.

Maria let you borrow some clothes. They’re not as warn in as your stuff, but your stuff is still wet. You keep the hood up, hoping to avoid any people you don’t actually want to talk to. 

You finish your burrito as you approach the place where you used to get patrol assignments. It’s a small raised and covered horse stall that has a table in it. 

“JJ!” you hear the yell just as you see a small, bundled up streak take a fateful step off the edge of the platform. You dive for him and manage to get your hand under his chest and your other hand wrapped around the back of his puffy jacket. 

You look him over out of instinct, making sure he isn’t hurt when Dina pushes her way through the crowd. She slows when she sees you have him. As you’re holding him out in front of you, JJ smiles at you and your heart shatters. You don’t know much about babies, but he seems to remember you. 

“See? Told you he was fast,” Dina tells you, putting her hands on his waist so she can take him back. 

You nod, averting your eyes from both of them. “Yeah.”

“What are you doing over here?” Dina asks, adjusting JJ on her hip. 

“Maria told me you- me- Jackson needs people for patrol,” you stutter out. You glance at JJ who is looking you over with a smile. When you look at him, he smiles wider and then buries his face in Dina’s shoulder. It’s so fucking cute. 

Dina takes a deep breath through her nose. “We do. C’mon.” She walks back into the stall and picks up a piece of paper. “How do you feel about the River Trail?”

You look at the paper in her hand and realize that she is the one in charge of patrols. You want to say something snarky about her just wanting to be bossy, but you’re not sure you have the right anymore. “S’fine.” 

She nods and puts the paper down to scribble your name on the sheet. “It’ll be a solo run, but it should be quick.” She references another sheet. “Uh, Domino is here. I know you two have a weird history, but -”

“It’s not a weird history,” you automatically defend yourself. “He just hates me.”

“He’s never tried to knock anyone else off by running into tree branches,” she smirks. For a moment, it feels like it used to. The banter. The smiles. The twinkle in her eye when she looks at you.

And you hate that it makes you feel safe. You bite your bottom lip and awkwardly point to the stables. “I’ll head out. Do I… need to do anything when I get back? Report to you?”

She nods. “Just let me know if you saw anything.” She sweeps the loose papers off of the map on the table. There are a few markings on it where she’s been keeping track. You glance over it and don’t see anything too worrisome. 

“The hoard that chased us yesterday came from this way,” you point to the map. 

“Whoa, what happened to your hand?” she quickly grabs your hand and looks at your missing two halves of fingers. 

“Uh, she bit them off,” you can’t bring yourself to say her name in front of Dina. 

Dina blinks once, staring at where your fingers used to be. Then she surveys your body, you assume for any other kind of lingering wound. Then she looks your face over. Eventually, she slowly nods and releases your hand, but you find you can’t move away from her because a much smaller hand has a firm grip on your jacket. 

You look at JJ, but you’re not sure about touching him. You want to rub his head and hold his hand, but you royally fucked up your relationship with him when you disappeared. 

Dina gently pries his hand off of your shirt and turns him away from you so he can’t do it again. There’s an awkward quiet and you start walking toward the stables. 

“Be careful out there, Ellie,” she tells you as you walk away.

You pause and look back at her. Her instruction was earnest and there is genuine worry in her face. Unsure of what to say back, you don’t say anything. You turn and head for the stables.


	4. Chapter 4

You’ve been sleeping at Maria’s house and thankfully haven’t run into Tommy, but it’s a small town and you’re pretty sure he hasn’t left. 

You get your assignments from Dina in the morning which gets less awkward as the days go by. You get through a week of it, but each time JJ reaches for you, you have to pretend like it doesn’t break your heart when Dina pretends not to notice. 

You’re not having as rough of a time back as you expected. 

It’s sixteen days back before you muster the courage to visit Joel’s grave before patrol. It’s chilly outside, just after dawn and you hug his jacket around yourself as you’re sitting on the path in front of him. His tombstone, like all of the other wooden signs dug into the ground have been cleared of snow. There are some small rocks balanced on the top edge of Joel’s. You’re not sure what it means, but it looks purposeful and you leave it there.

“Didja do it?” 

You don’t turn around to look at Tommy as your stomach ties itself into knots. “Hi to you too.”

“Did you kill her?” he asks again. 

You’re quiet. You don’t want to answer him. You stand up. “I have to get to patrol.”

“Fuckin’ coward,” he mutters after you. 

“What the fuck do you know?” you ask back at him, turning around to confront him. 

“I know he gave you  _ everything _ and you couldn’t even kill the fuckers who got him!” he yells at you and even though it’s early in the morning, you smell alcohol on him.

“Get the fuck away from me!” you shove him backwards.

He stumbles backwards, but as soon as he gets his footing he charges you, fist swinging. You duck out of the way and sidestep him. He’s barely standing because of his intoxication. He starts to move toward you again, but a sharp, “Hey!” cuts through the cemetery.

He stops and looks toward Maria who is walking toward the two of you, shotgun slung over her shoulder. “You two going to fucking fight on top of his grave? That is the last thing Joel would have wanted.”

A breeze makes the tears you didn’t know were moving down your cheeks run cold. You wipe them with the back of your hand. “Stay away from me,” you growl. “Dina and JJ too.” You throw them in there because you know he and Dina can’t be on great terms since you left.

He starts to reply, but Maria steps between you and him. You use the shield to escape and move to the patrol assignment station. 

Dina is helping JJ eat a piece of banana he’s holding, but also getting it everywhere. She smiles at him and leans over to look at the assignment sheet. “River Trail.”

“Thanks,” you walk right past her knowing that she is the single person in this settlement that could tell that there is something wrong and you don’t want that. 

When you’re walking away, you hear him whimpering. You turn back toward them to see if he’s okay and see him nearly squirming out of Dina’s arms. He stops squirming when you look at him and he smiles at you. 

You smile back as much as you can manage after being emotionally battered. 

“Hey,” Dina picks up JJ off of the table and steps toward you. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

The tears are suddenly back and you shake your head, kicking at the ground. “Just… Tommy.”

“Where is he?” she asks and you know she’s going to go yell at him if you let her.

“No,” you touch her arm. “It’s fine. I don’t want to… I don’t want it to be more of a thing that it was.”

You were close enough that JJ grabs another handful of your jacket. You’re stuck very close to him and Dina because he will not let go. 

“You gotta let go, Spud,” you tell him and gently pry off his hand. He laughs and flails his arm once his hand is free. He leans over Dina to get to you and you instinctively catch him again. Even though this time he wasn’t falling. 

Dina reluctantly lets go of his legs and you feel your little Potato’s entire body in your arms. He’s gotten heavy and he smells of the kind of soap Dina would always get from a couple just on the other side of Jackson. You close your eyes and press your lips to his forehead, more tears coming. You fucking missed him so much.

You wait a few more seconds and hand him back. “Thank you.”

Dina adjusts him on her hip. “You, uh, you should come over tonight when you can. We’re staying above the bookstore.”

“You don’t have to-” You start, terrified to actually go. And you especially don’t want a pity invitation. 

“It’s for him,” she tells you, looking at JJ for a moment. “He clearly wants to hang out.” 

“Oh,” that both makes your heart soar and brings it crashing down. Dina doesn’t really want to hang out. It’s just for JJ. But you’d do anything for him so you nod. “Yeah okay.”


	5. Chapter 5

The River Trail is completely clear, giving you a nice, relaxing crisp ride near the river by yourself. You find a few battered infected parts down from the dam. You’ve found pieces of them every day for the past few weeks. An arm or a leg. Sometimes just torn cloth. It really must have fucked them up. 

You spend most of the time thinking about how it’s going to go with Dina and JJ later tonight. You can’t imagine a scenario where it goes… terribly. You’ll stay quiet. Dina will be civil for JJ. It’ll be awkward if anything. 

You finish your patrol, put your horse up and walk back to the station where you’re to report to Dina. There aren’t many people around because it’s the mid-afternoon and most people are in the middle of their workday. Before you can see her, you can hear her talking.

“Dude, I need you to stand still for just one second so I can get this done,” you hear her tell who you assume is JJ. 

You round the corner and see JJ standing in the middle of the map looking at his mom. He cracks a smile and pats her face. 

“That went exactly how I expected,” she sighs and tilts her head at him. She kisses him on the head. “C’mon, we’ll go for a run and then you can nap and I can work.”

When she picks him up, she sees you standing there. She swallows uncomfortably. 

You break the silence. “There are just some more body parts on the River Trail. From the dam.”

She nods and writes it down while JJ squirms in her arms. “Thanks.” She tosses the pencil down and walks JJ off of the riser. “See you tonight.” She looks back at you like she just remembered something. “Bring dinner.”

You sputter out a quick “Okay,” before she sets JJ down who literally takes off running and Dina starts jogging behind him. 

“Okay then,” you nod. “Dinner.”

You spend the next few hours trying to hunt down and trade for the best dinner you can scrounge together. You even trade a comic book you found in Seattle for Dina’s favorite pie. Someone made some gyros that they gave out. You got three with no cheese, even though you’re pretty sure that JJ can’t eat anything that solid. You get some sweet potatoes from the traders who are still hanging around recovering. Maria helps you cook it and mash it up in a small jar. Then you grab something you’ve been saving for JJ for a while.

It’s about dinner time when you’re balancing everything in your arms and you kick-knock on the door. 

There’s a moment before the door opens. Dina smiles when she sees you and grabs the jar of sweet potatoes before it tips off of your arm. “Is that a whole pie?”

“Yeah,” you stand in place until Dina steps back to let you in. The apartment they’re in has a view of the living room and kitchen immediately. There’s a hallway to the right that you assume the bedroom or bedrooms are down. It’s very… small and it feels off immediately.

You spot JJ sitting in the living room playing with some blocks. When he sees you he squeals and tries to stand up. You quickly dump off the dinner stuff in the kitchen and squat down as he takes some shaky steps toward you. As soon as he gets his balance, he runs and slams right into you. He knocks you on your ass but you catch him and hold him against your chest as you both fall. 

“Hey Potato,” you cradle the back of his head and he grabs a handful of your hair and yanks it. It hurts, but you don’t care. 

You rock him for a moment. You’re pretty good at pushing emotions away, but you could never shake missing him. You feel eyes on you and open yours to find Dina watching, leaning back on the door. Your smile fades a bit, but she is smiling at the two of you. You close your eyes and revel in the squirmy little monster. You reach into your back pocket and pull out a small soft plastic dinosaur. He reaches for it and grabs it. It goes right into his mouth. 

“Is that clean?” Dina asks.

You nod. “I washed it. Then I made Maria wash it.” 

A soft smile crosses Dina’s face. She walks past you to survey what you brought for dinner. “Oh my god, how did you get cherry pie?”

“I made some deals,” you explain watching JJ run back to his toys. You go to sit with him while Dina picks over dinner. She grabs most of it and makes a picnic of it on the ground in the living room, leaving the pie on the counter. 

Dina opens the sweet potatoes. “JJ, dinner.”

He looks up from handing you all of his blocks one at a time and waddles over to his mom for his first bite. It feels good being able to provide him a dinner that he likes and can eat. You were pretty sure sweet potatoes were okay from what you remember of the many books you read about raising a kid. If you still knew where the book was you would have found it and made sure.

“His poops are going to be really bad after this,” Dina looks over at you. “I expect you to change them.”

“Of course,” you see JJ slam his hand into his mouth where sweet potatoes are spilling out and then pick up a block to give to you. You gently take the sweet potato covered block and say, “Thanks, Spud.”

“How was California?” Dina asks after you are holding eight sweet potato covered blocks. She hands you a gyro after she asks.

Your mood sours instantly. You shrug and accept the gyro. “Hot. Those rumors we heard about Santa Barbara were ass. A bunch of militia guys capture people and make them grow food. If they aren’t cooperating they throw them in a pool with chained up clickers.” You take a bite of your gyro to give yourself an excuse to stop talking. 

“That’s fucked,” she answers. She wipes the corner of her mouth and picks up JJ’s spoon. She gives him another bite and he hums. 

You agree while you eat. You watch him smear sweet potatoes into his hair. “Geez.”

“You look better though,” Dina comments. “More like yourself.”

You can’t say you feel more like yourself. You just feel less tumultuous. You definitely eat more now. You sleep a little better. You still don’t know true peace. You shake your head, sensing that she’s waiting for a response. “I feel…nothing is unfinished.”

“Good,” Dina nods approvingly and it’s an approval that feels warm. She takes another thoughtful bite. “Did you run into Seth?”

“I thought he was going to piss himself,” you grin.

She smiles at that. “He won’t talk to me anymore. Thank God.”

JJ takes another bite and picks up the dinosaur. He makes a gurgling noise and takes a block from you. He’s gotten so big. He can grab things now on purpose. You feel like you missed so much. 

But maybe you’ll be a better person because of your journey. You can be more present for the people you care about. At least that's what you hope. You don’t feel a consuming need in the back of your stomach at all times. It has calmed. Mostly. 

After you finish the gyros and JJ is done eating, you clean up while Dina gives him a bath in the bathroom. You want to help, but you feel like it might be too intimate. 

You look around in the kitchen and find some forks. You set them next to the pie and start a fire in the fireplace. You think about turning on a movie, but you don’t want to make yourself at home because this is not your home. Then you tidy up a bit, straightening the blankets on the couch and throwing away the dinner trash. You’re in the middle of wiping sweet potato from the blocks when she returns. 

It’s getting darker outside and darker in the apartment. She picks up the pie, pulls a small end table in front of the fireplace and gestures for you to sit on one side. Then she retrieves a bottle of wine from the kitchen. 

She twists off the top and takes a drink. Then she offers it to you. 

You take it from her and take a sip. You don’t really like wine, but you’re anxious being alone with Dina and you hope it’ll help. But you really can’t manage to say anything or even really look at her. You just quietly take small nibbles of pie and sips of wine while she does the same. 

She looks more at ease though. You know that Dina has never been out of place anywhere she’s ever been and can always find something to say to someone. But her quiet moments are her private moments and you let her stay quiet and have her time.

After half a bottle of wine, you feel looser. The pie is tasty, but once you get a slice in you, you’re done. Dina on the other hand finishes a solid slice and a half before leaning back against the couch and killing the bottle of wine. She’s quietly looking at the TV before she looks at you. You must have been shocked because you see a hint of amusement on her face. She stands up, “C’mon.” 

You stand up, following her past the partially eaten dessert and down the hallway. You walk past the bathroom. Then you move into a room with a twin bed and a crib with a sleeping boy in it. You pause to watch him sleep for a beat before following Dina to the window. There aren't a lot of things in the room. Dina never had much stuff. You see her patrol backpack in the corner. It’s sagging against the wall and you get the feeling she doesn’t get to use it anymore. 

She opens her window and a wave of cold hits you. You watch her crawl out the window. For a moment, you’re afraid for her to fall, but you see her step onto an adjacent roof. When you crawl out after her, you find a small expanse of roof that has some planter boxes with various plants. A few of them have a plastic enclosure so they stay warm. 

“C’mon,” she walks to a pile of tarps in the corner. “Help me cover the rest of these.”

In the light of the street lanterns below, the two of you cover the plants on her roof garden. She loves her plans and you love that about her. She can grow anything. She had a huge garden at the farm. You feel bad that she lost that because of you. 

When everything is covered, you both go back inside and she sits in front of the fireplace. She pats the ground next to her and you sit down. When her head finally lands on your shoulder you feel more at home than you have in nearly a year. 

“I’m still mad at you,” she says toward the dying fire.

She should be, but it still stings. 

There’s a dense quiet for a long time before she says. “You have to tell me the truth. You owe that to me.”

“Okay,” you agree, not looking forward to whatever questions she has.

“Do we need to worry about a bald little kid trying to get revenge?” she asks.

You take a deep breath. “No.”

“You didn’t do it?” she asks.

Fuck, you hate this. You feel tears in your eyes. “No. I couldn’t. I almost did, but…” 

“Why not?” 

A tear falls down your cheek, a combination of wine and a depth of emotion that you have been putting off dealing with for a long time. “It wouldn’t bring him back.” You look at your hands, your missing fingers. “I would have made another little kid without someone to look out for them.” Your breath shakes. You promised her the truth and you’re going to tell her the whole truth. Your voice cracks. “I forgive him. For… not letting me die.”

Dina picks her head up and looks at you. You feel her eyes see into your soul. She sees everything and you let her. You feel the tears run down your face and you don’t make a move to wipe them away. 

She looks away and swallows. You feel that through your body. She doesn’t want to deal with this. You’re a mess. You know it. You should have stayed away. You mutter about having to go, but before you can stand up, Dina is holding a fistful of your shirt. “You’re not running away from me again.” Her eyes fill with tears and they trickle down her face. Her statement was forceful and quivering.

You nod and lift your hand from the ground where you were pushing yourself up to leave. You put your hand on her wrist as she eases her grip. “I’m not. I’m not.”

She wipes her face and looks at you. “He was supposed to be ours. You were supposed to help me.” It’s an onslaught you would never be prepared for. You definitely didn’t prepare for it while you were talking through what could happen tonight on your patrol.

Her words leave you speechless for a moment. You know you left her and JJ. You know how that felt for you, but you didn’t think Dina would have a problem. She’s so strong and so capable. She’s running the damn patrols. You’ve never seen her crumble like this. 

You gather her in your arms and hold her. “You’re doing so good. JJ is so smart and beautiful.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just… lucky so far,” she sniffles against your chest. 

“I don’t believe in luck” you tell her. 

She sighs heavily and puts her hand on your knee as she leans into you. You brace yourself on the ground. When she doesn’t say anything for a long while, you add. “I’m here now.” And you are. Mind, body, and spirit you are present and with Dina for the first time in your life. “Whatever you need.”

“I need you to fucking stay,” she whispers. 

You nod. “Okay. I’m staying.” You start rocking her a little bit. “I’ve got you. Both.”

You both sit there for a moment in front of the dying fire, both looking into it steeped in your own emotional messes. But this is the most like yourself you’ve felt in a long time. It’s the closest to peace you’ve come since the first time you were in Seattle. 

You run your hand up and down Dina’s side. You feel her relaxing into you. You might never be where you were before, but you’re with her now and you’re never leaving her or JJ again.


	6. Chapter 6

Over the next week, you do your best to bring Dina and JJ the best dinner you can even if it’s just the food everyone else gets at the church with a little extra in it. You always stay until JJ is asleep and dinner is cleaned up. During the day, if you’re back from patrol early and it looks like Dina needs a break, you let JJ run around the town, following inches behind him in case he falls. You even get Dina to go on patrol and find she looks like a new woman when she gets back. 

You have a day off when Maria orders Dina to not give you a patrol after almost a month of daily rides, but you do borrow a horse and ride out of Jackson. 

You’ve had plans to ride out to theThe Farm for a while. You just never had the free time to kill. At the gate, you sit on the horse and look at it. The paint looks worn, but it was always like that. A few of the windows were left open. You know some leaves got inside, but you’re not sure about critters. 

You get off your horse and open the gate. You lead the horse through and then close the gate. It can roam the yard while you assess the house. 

Maria asked you a few days ago if you were going to do anything with the house. Technically it still belongs to you and Dina, but if you’re not going to use it, she wants to put someone in it that will. There’s a lot of food producing space in it that is going to waste. 

You don’t go inside yet, choosing to round the back. Most of Dina’s beloved garden has been dug up. You assume most of it is in her rooftop garden. A few plants were left to rot. A patch of potatoes seems to be doing okay on their own. 

The barn is empty of course, but it’s still usable. You just have to clean out the stalls. The tools are still in the corner where you used to leave them. You don’t want to go into the house yet, but you pick up a rake and start in the barn. 

You take a lunch break on the steps of the porch, looking out over the view. You wash the remnants of your sandwich away at the well pump and wash off your face. It’s cold, but you worked up a sweat in the barn.

The barn looks pretty good when you’re done with it. The floors are ready to have hay thrown on them and animals sleeping inside. It’s mid-afternoon, but you should get back to Jackson so you can get cleaned up before dinner with Dina and JJ. They want to meet you at the church because there is a potluck and Jesse’s parents want to play with JJ. 

You return the horse, take a quick shower, and change into your nicest clothes. They’re still not very nice, but this flannel shirt doesn’t have a rip in it.

Dina is already dancing with Nate when you get there. All eyes are on her and you wouldn’t expect anything else. Having JJ has calmed her down in some ways, but she’s always going to have fun where she can. People are always going to look at her because she’s so magnetic.

You spot JJ with Jesse’s parents. You know he’s probably not clapping, but it sort of looks like he is. He will be a little music protege. You just have to figure out how to teach him to play guitar without actually being able to play yourself. That is kind of a bummer.

Avery slides up next to you at the bar and offers you a drink. “I heard we’re getting some new recruits on patrol. You won’t have to ride by yourself anymore.”

You accept the drink and lean back on the table. You see Seth eyeing Dina on the other side of the bar and you really don’t want to have to jump over the bar and beat his ass, but you will if he says anything.

“You wanna try to ride together?” she asks. 

“Uh, sure,” you agree. She’s capable and it would be nice not to be left alone with your thoughts.

She smiles. “Nice.” She bumps your shoulder. “See you tomorrow partner.” Avery walks off to talk to some boys near the back of the church. 

When you find Dina again, she’s looking at you over Nate’s shoulder. It reminds you of a mountain lion watching its prey from above. She shoots you a wink and then makes Nate speed up the dance.

You smile to yourself and look down into your drink.

“Hey Ellie,” Jesse’s mom smiles as she makes her way over to you. She’s holding JJ who is still alert, but his eyes are getting droopy. “Can you hold him for a minute? We want to have this dance.”

“Of course.” You set your drink down and hold your hands out. “C’mon, Potato.”

He reaches out for you and wraps his little arms around your neck. You put your hand on his back and he lays his head down on your shoulder.

You hum along to the song that is being played and start swaying. You feel him fall asleep before the first song is over, but you take your time, slowly dancing by yourself with JJ on your chest.

“May I have this dance?” 

You look up and see Dina standing in front of you, her hand out.

“I don’t know. I have a pretty handsome partner already,” you smile at her. But you take her hand and let her lead you out onto the dance floor. 

She puts her hand on the small of your back and her other hand on JJ’s back. She kisses the back of his head and rests her head on your shoulder as well. “The most handsome partner.”

You sway for a bit just enjoying the closeness of their bodies. It feels right and you feel relaxed. No matter how much Dina complains about how much she sweats or the smell of it, you love how she smells. And you love that JJ smells almost exactly like her. 

You close your eyes for a moment and the music fills you. The feel of them with the melody running through your veins gives you a moment of peace. You let the peace fill your body and relax your muscles until you’re sure you could float off. You let go, but a pounding starts drowning it out the etherealness. Boots on the ground hurriedly running toward you. 

Your eyes pop open and you feel like you’ve been punched. You feel like you’re being chased. Something is following you. So many somethings. Naked feet pounding through water. Hungry mouths. Claws. Hands. Grabbing. 

“Infected at the North gate!” someone yells past your darkness.

“Ellie?” you feel a hand on your face. “Ellie, c’mon.” A forehead on yours pulls you back. “Ellie we have to go.”

When you blink, you can see Dina looking at you, worried. You can see that Jesse’s parents are already whisking JJ away and are probably going to find somewhere safe to hide. 

“I’m fine,” you tell her, catching your breath. You start moving toward the exit as everyone floods from the church.

You both run with the rest of the patrols and guards to the north gate where you hear bodies throwing themselves against the wall. It’s one of the sturdier walls, but you’ve seen infecteds take down more. You’re handed a rifle and you climb up onto the catwalk to get a better view. In the floodlights of the gate you see them very clearly. They’re all runners and they all look brand new. 

“Fuck,” Dina stands next to you with a rifle in her hand. 

“We have to figure out where they’re coming from,” you look through the scope of your rifle. “They’re all new.”

She takes a deep breath and squeezes off a shot, taking two out with one bullet because they’re so grouped together. You start picking a few off as well, helping to thin out the hoard. 

Picking them off is easy and there is no danger in it for you. It helps calm your racing heart, but the lump in your throat is still there from the brief panic attack you had in the church. When the last one is dead, someone goes out to make sure there aren’t any waiting in the wings before a team starts moving the bodies away from the gate. You and Dina are handing in your rifles when Maria walks past you. “You two, with me.”

She leads you to the patrol station where you greet Dina and JJ every morning.

“We have to find out what’s going on,” Maria leans on the table, looking down at the map. She looks at you. “You seen anything like this?”

You shake your head. “Not that many fresh ones before anyway.”

“It has to be a caravan of people who were attacked,” Dina crosses her arms, looking from you to Maria.

Maria nods. “We need to find out where they’re coming from and how many more to expect.” She stands up straight and puts her hands on her hips. She looks at Dina. “Who are your two best scouts? I don’t want anyone going into this alone.”

Dina raises a hand toward you, offering you up at the best. “And… I guess Carter, but he and Dylan are overnight at the lodge tonight.” She walks around the table, picking up her clipboard. “Will is injured.” She runs her fingers along the list of names. “This is dangerous. I can’t send most of these people out there.”

You watch Maria’s face and see her eyes look Dina over. You know what she’s thinking. “No. I can go alone.”

“What?” Dina asks, not having seen Maria evaluate her for mission readiness. She looks at you.

“She’ll keep you alive,” Maria says quietly. She sees your face harden with resolve, and she nods backing off. “I understand. You two have a kid to think about.”

That seems to clue Dina into what is going on. You can see her thinking about it long and hard. Her eyes move to the map and she’s making mental calculations about how far you might have to go. Then she looks at you. Her jaw is set. “We’ll leave at first light.”

“No,” you shake your head. “I can go alone. JJ needs you-”

“JJ needs both of us,” she rounds the table and stands less than a foot from you. You can see a resolve that you know will not break. “If we ride fast, we won't be gone for more than a day. I’ll stay back and we’ll stay safe. Together.”

You don’t like it, but you don’t feel like you get a whole lot of say anymore in leaving her behind. And you know it’ll be safer. You just don’t want to put her in any danger. For JJ’s sake. And yours. If something happened to Dina…

Dina holds your eyes and you know she’s coming with you if she has to handcuff you two together. You nod. “Okay. As long as we’re just scouting.” You look to Maria.

Maria nods. “Just scouting.” She jerks her head toward the residential area of Jackson. “Go get some rest. I’ll meet you at the main gate at first light.”

You wait for Dina to start moving and then walk with her. You’re both quiet and it’s heavy. You experienced it before when you were hunting for food when you and Dina and JJ lived on the Farm. There’s more of a gravity to staying safe. You have a reason to come home. It’s more than a reason, it’s a need.

“What if something happens to both of us?” you ask quietly, watching your feet hit the wet sidewalk under the passing yellow street lamps.

“We’re just scouting. We’ve been in worse situations and we’re both alive,” she answers. 

You sigh. You just want to know that JJ will be taken care of. “Would he stay with Jesse’s parents?”

Dina nods. She looks over at you. “We don’t have families anymore. But he does.”

It hurts to hear it like that, but it’s true. Dina has been on her own for a long while. You had Joel, but… And Tommy and Maria used to feel like family. Maria still does, but Tommy…

“We’ll be back before nightfall,” she assures you. Her hand brushes against yours and your hand reaches for hers out of habit. You manage to catch her ring and pinky finger. You loosely hold each other’s hands as you walk. 

You weren’t sure where the two of you were going until you see the lantern lit entrance to the cemetery. The trees sway over it, making the shadows move across the ground.

You exhale audibly and let go of Dina’s hand, feeling the need to stand on your own. You walk into the cemetery with Dina behind you. She gives you a bit of a head start and you make your way to Joel. 

As you stand there, staring at the grave marker, Dina stops next to you and pauses before picking up something off of the ground and moving to the headstone. She dusts off a small rock and balances it on top of the headstone. Someone had cleared off all the other ones so she places it in the middle at the apex of the curve.

“You did that?” you ask, vaguely gesturing to the headstone.

She nods. “It’s, uh, Jewish tradition. My sister said it means someone was here.”

You take a shaky breath. Dina has visited a bunch of times, even when you weren’t here. Her respect for Joel isn’t an extension of her care for you. It is a thing in itself. A chasm in your chest widens, knowing that she had to carry on alone with so many things when you left. 

“I need to go get JJ,” she says after you both stand in the cemetery for a few more minutes. “And let Jesse’s parents know what’s going on.”

You nod. “See you in the morning.”

She takes your hand and squeezes it. For a few seconds, she just holds your hand before letting go and walking out of the cemetery.


	7. Chapter 7

You don’t sleep very well on your couch bed. You’re worried. You wish Dina would stay and let you go on your own, but you know that the two of you going together is a lot safer. You and Dina together are a lot safer together than most other patrol pairs because you get each other. You can anticipate each other.

You try to assure yourself of all these things as you sit on the couch, dressed, with your backpack on. There is a creak on the stairs and you see Maria walking down. She looks tired, but not surprised that you’re up. You glance at the window to see if you see any light. It’s probably an hour from first light. 

“Coffee?” she asks.

“Never,” you answer.

She smiles and makes her way into her kitchen. “Kids these days. No idea what they’re missing.”

You stand up and walk to the kitchen, watching her make the gross bean soup. She gets some eggs out of her refrigerator. Then she grabs what you know is butcher paper wrapped bacon. She looks at you for a moment with it in her hand. Then she remembers you haven’t had bacon in a long, long time.

She turns on the oven and gets some bread out. It sits on the counter while she makes the eggs. They’re one pretty quickly and she sets a plate of eggs in front of you at the counter.

You look at them for a long moment before taking your first bite. 

“I wouldn’t send her out if I thought it was dangerous for her,” Maria states, after she’d made her coffee and tossed the bread into the oven. “She’s just going to watch your back.”

You nod. You know. No one will watch your back better even if she’s still mad at you. If it wasn’t for JJ, she’d be the only person you would go with.

She gives you a piece of toast when it’s done and when you finish it you are more full than you have been in a while.

She nods to the door when you’re both done eating. “Let’s go.”

Very few people are moving around at this time in the morning. It’s mostly just guards, walking from one end of Jackson to the other to relieve the night shift.

Dina is already standing at the main gate, rifle over her shoulder. You meet each other’s eyes and you see an excitement in hers. Before you meet with her, you sign out a rifle and get some ammo for your handgun. 

Nate is bringing a horse toward the gate and offers you the reins. When the horse enters the light of the lanterns you see black and white patches. You take Domino’s reins when Nate offers them to you. “Hey boy.” You pet his nose. He doesn’t try to bite you anymore. A few rough patrols of bonding and he doesn’t seem to outright hate you. 

Maria is holding her coffee and looking at the sky. You arrived just in time to see one side of the sky start to light up. “Ready?”

You look at Dina. You know you’re ready. When you see her face, you know she is too. You mount the horse and Dina easily slides up behind you. Her arms around you feel right and you hear her sigh contentedly against your shoulder. 

“Where are we going?” you ask as the gates close behind you.

“Let’s retrace your steps when you first came back. There were a lot that way,” she says.

“There isn’t anything that way,” you tell her before you remember why you know there isn’t anything that way. You ran into the traders between the Farm and Jackson. And you’ve been back to the Farm more than once and didn’t see anything there. 

She unfolds the map and holds onto you with one hand to look at it. “If you’re sure.”

Now that you think of it, you might not be so sure. There are paths off of the trail to the Farm where the infected could be coming from. You sigh. “Yeah we can start that way and sweep back around the valley.”

You ride for a few minutes toward your old home and feel Dina keeping watch behind you. When you reach the produce stand, the rotting bodies of the infected that you killed are gone and the supplies that were left have been picked over, probably by patrols. 

You let Dina slide off the horse first and you follow. She peers inside the stand, rifle in hand. You pull out your handgun and walk to the ridge drop off behind the stand. Looking over, you see the haphazardly thrown bodies of infected rotting in the pile at the bottom. Someone must have thrown them over.

“I don’t know where they came from,” you tell her. “I came from that way after I heard.” You gesture toward the trail you came down from the Farm.

She looks to where you were pointing and then looks at the map. She pulls a pencil out of her jacket pocket and makes some notes. She looks at the ground. “Too muddy for footprints.” 

“Yeah,” you look at the ground and can’t make anything out except for mud and some leftover snow. “C’mon. Let’s keep going.”

Once you’re both back on the horse, you trace your path toward the Farm, but detour away from it when you’re sure there’s no way the infecteds are coming from that area.

“Were you at the Farm?” Dina asks. 

You shift uncomfortably, but nod. “Not in it. Outside. There’s a… cave.”

“A cave?” she asks. “There’s still a bed in there.”

“I know, it’s just…” you can’t tell her that you don’t think you deserve to stay there. You can’t tell her about cleaning out the barn, clearing out the garden, and fixing the outside of the house without actually being able to open the front door again.

She rests her chin on your shoulder. “It didn’t feel right without you either.”

You fucking hate that. Dina loved that house. She loved everything about it. She loved the peeling paint. She loved the fireplace and the creaky stairs. She wanted to stay there forever. Man, did you fuck that up.

“Your snoring used to keep the bears away,” she adds, mischievously. 

You crack a smile. “Shut up.”

She gently squeezes you around the middle before settling into a comfortably loose hold around you. “Fine. It wasn’t your snoring. Sometimes it was your smell.”

“You’re one to talk,” you turn your head to the side to address her. “One time you walked in and it smelled so much downstairs, I thought a sheep had gotten in.”

You feel her laugh behind you. “You’re insufferable.” 

Dancing with her at the church felt great, but falling back into the banter with her feels incredible. It feels like you’ve found something the two of you lost. 

You ride through a town and both get off the horse to investigate. You try to think of anywhere a legion of newly infected people could be hiding. You search houses, stores, and basements looking. You find a few infecteds that you and Dina detect from far away and dispatch with ease.

“You think someone heard about Jackson being safe and were bringing a bunch of people there but they got jumped?” Dina thinks about loud. You’re holding onto her now on the back of the horse after she complained about not getting to sit in the saddle.

“Maybe.” It’s definitely a possibility. You can’t help, but think of the Rattlers who have weaponized infecteds. You know they can’t be controlled, but they can be harnessed. There’s an almost zero chance that they came after you, much less brought a hoard of trained infecteds to turn other people to use against you, but the thought does cross your mind. You tell Dina what you’re thinking.

She is quiet for a moment before shaking her head. “There’s no way they’d know where you’re from right?”

“Right.” That assuages your guilt a bit. There is no way for them to know where you’re from unless they followed you and that is something you definitely would have noticed. 

“Can you imagine though?” Dina asks. “Using infecteds to attack people like that?” She shudders. 

“It’s pretty fucked.” You know first-hand. You saw them chained up like rabid dogs waiting to be unleashed at escapees.

You ride into a town around noon. It’s been a while since you’ve been here so you stay on the horse because generally it’s safer and let Dina guide you around.

“We lost a patrol in here a few months ago,” Dina tells you reverently. “We still haven’t found them.”

“Shit,” you whisper. Something about this town is eerie. You’ve been to a lot of creepy places, but the stillness in the area makes you paranoid.

A crashing of metal on pavement makes your heart speed. Dina stops the horse and you look around, taking your handgun out. Domino starts getting antsy and moving in place. 

“Whoa boy,” Dina pats Domino, trying to calm him while you look around for where the noise came from. 

You finally spot movement behind you. A lone clicker stumbles out of an alley, moving away from you. Dina manages to get Domino to stand still, but you train your gun on the clicker just in case it starts moving toward you.

“I’m going to go take it out,” you whisper to Dina. You start sliding off the back of the horse before she can answer.

You pull out your knife and stalk up behind it. It has no idea what hit it when you gouge the knife into its throat. Before it’s body hits the ground you hear Domino whimper, then neigh. A shot rings out as you turn around. 

“Ellie!” Dina calls, but a second later she’s falling. That’s when you see them rounding the corner of the town square, a runner dead near where Domino is rearing. Dina hits the ground with a thud that makes you sick and you’re running before you realize it. 

Domino takes off in a run back where you came from and you slide to a stop next to Dina. “Are you okay? We gotta go.” 

She groans, clearly winded. You help her up and see more infecteds coming around the corner. Dozens of them. Some are still wearing backpacks with weapons dangling from straps that are starting to tear. 

“In there,” Dina grabs your arm and pulls you toward the closed doors of a nearby building. You try the door and find it’s open. You wait until Dina is inside to pull the door shut, just as an infected throws its body into it. You look around for something to secure the door with. 

Dina starts pushing a heavy desk toward the door and you wait until it’s close enough for you to reach to help. Once the desk is in front of the door, you take a step back and find that it’s holding. 

“Okay so,” you click on your flashlight and look around. It looks just like a reception area. There are chairs in the corner. Dina moves toward the back of the room toward a hallway. There are no other points of entry near you so you follow her.

“What the fuck was that?” she asks you, out of breath still. 

You touch her back. “I don’t know.” Past the reception area is a long hallway with glass on one side and doors on the other. Past the glass is a large indoor sports area. There are basketball hoops on each side and some poles around the middle of the room. One pole is holding up a net that looks like it used to stretch across the court. You peek in the doors opposite the glass and they just seem like empty rooms. 

There’s no movement in the building and you are thankful. You look back toward the front door, then try one of the doors to the gym. It easily swings open. 

You take a survey of the inside, but don’t see any exits except for some windows too high off the ground for either of you to reach. You’re about to close the door and follow Dina down the hallway, when you see a large dip in the wooden floor. It’s not broken, but a few of the wooden planks are bowed in the middle, like they’re not being supported anymore.

“What the fuck?” you whisper to yourself and step into the gym.

“What is it?” Dina pulls a u-turn in the hallway and follows you. “Whoa.”

You look around and see a ball near the door behind you. You pick it up and roll it toward the bowl in the gym. It rolls down the slant, picking up speed before coming to rest in the bottom. You look over at Dina. You both know that if something looks ominous there’s something bad and if the bad hasn’t shown up yet, it’s best to leave it alone.

“Let’s go see if we can get out of here and find Domino,” Dina adjusts her backpack and walks back into the hallway.

You both find a door that leads out of the back of the building. Dina takes out her rifle and you open the door for her, letting her peek out first. “Ho-ly shit.”

You put your hand on her back so that you can lean out over her. Her eyes are glued to a massive chasm in the ground. It looks like a hole just opened up and several buildings dropped into it. There is a mechanic’s shop that is hanging on the side of the precipice. The cars in the garage already fell, but the building itself is breaking in half, but hanging on.

“You remember Maria talking about all the mines being sealed up around here?” Dina asks.

You nod. You didn’t connect the dots as quickly as Dina, but when she points it out, it makes sense. It looks like a shaft of the mine collapsed. The chasm reaches from a few sunken buildings away, to half of the building you’re in. The ground in front of the door is still there, but you’re not sure you trust it.

Dina grabs onto your arm and you prepare yourself to pull her back up if she falls. She puts her foot onto the dirt and pushes down. Then she bounces a bit. “Seems stable here.” 

You look past her and see the mangled remains of some infecteds who have fallen into the hole and not been able to brace themselves. The hole isn’t more than a few feet from you and it makes you nervous. 

“How the fuck did no one see this?” Dina asks, putting both feet on the ground and starting to move away from the hole.

“You can’t see it from the main road,” you answer, following her. Your hands are sweating when you step on the ground. It could collapse at any second.

Dina hugs close to the building and stops at the corner, looking around it toward the street where you ran from. You move as close to her as you can without pushing her out of cover. “What do you see?”

“A few runners,” she answers. She turns the safety off on her rifle. “I don’t see your archnemesis anywhere though.”

“Fucking horse,” you huff.

“There’s only one way to go,” she says, “Unless…”

You try to see where she’s looking, but you can’t without exposing your position. “What is it?”

“There’s a way up to the roof,” she tells you.

“Of the sinking building?” you ask.

“Do you have a better idea?” she asks back. “Not all of us are immune to infecteds. I can’t take them head on.”

You see her point. “You’re right.” You’re backed between a chasm and runners.

“Can you say that one more time?” she asks with a smile. “Maybe get it to me in writing.”

You roll your eyes goodnaturedly and gesture to the roof. “How are we getting up there?”

She turns to look toward the street again and watches for a moment, then answers. “C’mon.” She starts walking around the corner and you follow right behind her. Once you round the corner, you can see where she wants to go.

A pale blue truck has been left near the building that you can use to boost each other up. You both climb into the bed as silently as you can, then to the roof of the truck. She helps you up onto the roof first and you pull her onto the roof. You keep a distance from the side of the building that is slowly being eaten by the hole in the ground and make your way to the street side. 

Dina sets her backpack down and takes some bullets out of it. As she’s reloading her gun you see her smiling. 

“Excited about your murder spree?” you ask her, setting your backpack down and doing the same. 

She shakes her head. “This just feels like old times, you know?”

You nod. Being surrounded by infecteds and trying to find a way out of a bad situation made you forget that you broke her heart. It did feel like old times. It felt like you had never left.

Dina sets her backpack on the ledge of the roof, then rests the barrel of her rifle on top of it. She sits down and aims down the sights, “Whoever gets the most infecteds wins.”

“Loser makes dinner?” you ask as you’re loading bullets into your magazine.

“Deal,” she says and takes a shot.

“No fair, you started without me,” you scramble to jam the magazine into your rifle and kneel next to the edge of the roof, balancing the barrel on your hand. You focus down the sights and squeeze off a round.


	8. Chapter 8

“Seventeen,” Dina looks at you triumphantly. 

You smile, looking down at the casings on the ground. You don’t have the heart to tell her that you took out twenty-two. “Alright. I guess I’m making dinner.” She looks so proud of herself and you’re proud of her too. You grab your backpack and sling it over your shoulder. “Let’s get back and report this mine so I can find something for dinner.”

You jump to the roof of the truck and then slide onto the ground. She jumps to the roof and then steps into the bed of the truck. She pulls open the tool box in the back of it and moves a few things around. “Ooh, what do we have here?” She pulls out half of a small bottle of whiskey.

“A good time,” you offer. 

She puts the bottle in her backpack and zips it up. You hold your hands out to her when she steps up on the side of the truck and she takes them as she jumps down. Her face is really close to yours when she lands and your mouth gets dry. She’s got a smirk and leans close to you. You’re breathless for a moment. 

“You good?” she quirks a very cocky eyebrow and leans away from you. She is clearly enjoying tormenting you. You can’t say you don’t deserve it, but it is doing horrendous things to your insides.

You close your eyes and nod, trying to push the blush on your cheeks down. 

“Where’s that horse?” Dina asks as she’s making her way to the dead infected laden street. You follow her, head low and swinging for a moment before you join her search. You find the unholy terror a few blocks away, eating the grass next to a gas station. 

Dina slides into the saddle first and you get on behind her. You start the journey back to Jackson in silence. 

“It’s barely lunch time,” Dina offers. “We’re too awesome. Why don’t we hunt a bit? Have a nicer dinner?”

“Okay,” you could do that. You haven’t eaten anything you killed since you’ve been back in Jackson. It could be nice. 

Dina kicks Domino into gear and you start making your way toward one of your favorite hunting grounds. 

As you’re riding with her, it all feels too easy. You have fallen into old habits. You’re letting yourself get physically close to her. It feels so right, but it also feels like you don’t deserve it. It doesn’t just feel like you don’t deserve it. You don’t. 

The realization makes you sit up straighter and hold her more loosely. 

You know she notices. She notices everything. But she doesn’t say anything. She directs Domino to a ridge overlooking your favorite hunting grounds. You dismount and when she doesn’t you look up at her.

She leans on the horn of the saddle. “You’re in charge of dinner.” 

“What are you going to do?” you ask her. 

She shrugs. “I might take a nap.”

You roll your eyes, but know very well that you’re the better hunter. She does deserve a break. You nod. “Alright. I’ll be back in a bit.”

She stretches her back and rolls her neck. “I could go for some venison. Just saying.”

“Okay,” you nod. “Noted.” You give her a sarcastic salute and walk off.

You hide in some bushes where you can see over a place you’ve known deer to frequent and wait. You’re not sure how much time passes by. You spend most of it thinking about Dina and JJ. You think about how you can make it up to them that you left. You think about how you’re not sure you deserve to be forgiven. You think about whether or not this is taking too much of a toll on Dina, you being around all the time. You think about maybe going back to Seattle and getting Jesse’s body. Someday you want JJ to have somewhere to go to, to remember his dad. 

As you’re deep in thought, you spot something moving a ways down the hill that you’re on. You look down the sight of your rifle and watch the movement. It’s a slow lumbering mass that sways a bit. It’s definitely not infected. You see it’s head poke out the other side of a tree and realize that there is a bear. 

You exhale. There goes any chance of a decent dinner. No deer are going to hang around with a bear in the area. 

You decide to wait and see if the bear goes away and you can at least shoot something smaller. It walks off and out of sight. You give it a few minutes after that to ensure it won’t come back if it hears your gunshot.

The sun is starting it’s descent in the sky and you know that you need to get going. Just when you are about to give up, you spot something that will make Dina very happy. 

You only fire one shot. You lower your gun and make sure it’s dead, then stand up out of the bushes. 

Dina is in her own tree, lying across one of the branches. You know she’s not asleep, but she makes no move to acknowledge you. Domino is tied to the tree under her, standing vigil.

“I’m going to take Domino,” you tell her. “I got something.”

“Good,” she answers sleepily. 

Maybe she is really tired. You wish you could help her with JJ in the middle of the night, but you leave after dinner and he’s put to bed.

You hop onto Domino and go retrieve your kill. There isn’t enough room on the horse for both of you and the elk that you managed to get onto Domino so you walk Domino back to Dina who is sitting in the tree now, looking down at you. 

“Wow,” she hops out of the tree. “That is impressive.”

You are proud of yourself. It was mostly luck, but doing something for Dina fills you with a nervous warmth. You gesture to the saddle. “There’s not enough room for both of us so I’ll walk.”

“We can both walk,” she puts on her backpack and starts walking back toward Jackson. “We have time.”


End file.
